Should I Get Back With My Ex? 10 Questions to Ask Yourself

Getting back with an ex can feel tempting, especially when the pain of the breakup has softened and the good memories are easier to remember than the difficult ones. But missing someone is not, by itself, a reason to restart a relationship.

Before deciding, look at why you broke up, what has genuinely changed and whether both of you want the same relationship now. The most useful question is not simply “Do I still love them?” It is “Would returning to this relationship, as it realistically could be now, be good for both of us?”

There is no universal right answer. Some former partners rebuild relationships that work differently the second time. Others discover that the reasons they separated are still there. These ten questions can help you think beyond loneliness, nostalgia or the excitement of reconnecting.

1. Why did you break up?

Start with the actual reason the relationship ended.

Try to be specific.

“We argued too much” gives you less information than:

“We repeatedly argued about how we managed money, and we never found an arrangement we could both accept.”

Likewise, “the timing was wrong” might mean distance, work pressures or different plans for the future.

Relate advises looking honestly at what went wrong in a relationship rather than focusing only on the positive memories after a breakup.

Ask yourself whether the problem was temporary, situational or part of a repeated pattern.

If you cannot explain why the relationship ended, it may be difficult to judge whether anything would be different now.

2. Do you miss your ex, or do you miss being in a relationship?

Loneliness can make a familiar relationship look especially appealing.

You may miss having someone to message, spending weekends together, physical affection, shared routines or simply knowing there was someone there.

Those feelings are real, but they are not always the same as wanting this particular relationship back.

Ask yourself:

“If I felt completely comfortable being single right now, would I still want to rebuild this relationship?”

Also think about what exactly you miss.

Do you miss your ex as a whole person, including the parts of the relationship that were difficult?

Or are you mostly missing companionship and the best memories?

There is no shame in feeling lonely. It is simply useful to know whether loneliness is driving the decision.

3. What has actually changed since the breakup?

Time apart can change perspective.

It does not automatically change the problems that ended a relationship.

If you broke up because of something that needed to be different, look for concrete change rather than promises.

For example, if you struggled because neither of you communicated concerns until they became arguments, have you both reflected on how you would handle that differently?

If your long-term plans were incompatible, are they still incompatible?

If circumstances outside the relationship caused the separation, have those circumstances genuinely changed?

“I’ve realised how much I miss you” can be emotionally meaningful.

It is not the same as addressing why you broke up.

4. Do both of you genuinely want to try again?

A relationship cannot be rebuilt by one person.

You may desperately want another chance, but your ex is allowed to decide that they do not.

Likewise, you do not owe your ex reconciliation because they regret ending things, apologise or promise to change.

Relate notes that relationships require the participation of both people. If one person does not want the relationship, the other cannot maintain it alone.

A second attempt needs two freely made decisions.

Neither person should be persuaded, guilted, pressured or worn down into agreeing.

5. Can you talk honestly about what went wrong?

Getting back together without discussing the breakup can feel easier at first.

You are relieved to be close again. You do not want to ruin it by talking about painful things.

But if the original problems are never discussed, you may quickly return to the same patterns.

Ask yourself whether you can talk about:

what was not working
what each of you experienced differently
what hurt
what each person takes responsibility for
what needs to change
what cannot be compromised on
what you would do differently if the same problem appeared again

This conversation does not require complete agreement about the past.

It does require enough openness to understand what you are actually trying to rebuild.

6. Are you remembering the whole relationship?

Nostalgia is selective.

After enough time apart, you may remember holidays, affectionate messages and quiet evenings together more easily than recurring conflict or disappointment.

Relate recommends remembering the negative parts of a relationship alongside the things you miss when trying to gain perspective after a breakup.

Try writing two honest lists.

One can contain what you valued.

The other can contain what was difficult.

Do not exaggerate either side.

The aim is not to convince yourself to reunite or stay apart. It is to make the decision based on the whole relationship rather than a highlight reel.

7. Are your important needs and boundaries compatible?

Love does not automatically make two people’s needs compatible.

Think about the issues that matter most to each of you.

These could include:

how much time you spend together
independence and privacy
communication
finances
where you want to live
family involvement
marriage or commitment
whether you want children
monogamy or another mutually agreed relationship structure
affection and intimacy
lifestyle priorities

There is no single correct set of preferences.

The question is whether your preferences can coexist without one person repeatedly abandoning important needs or boundaries.

Compromise can be part of relationships. Continually overriding yourself to keep someone is different.

8. Can trust realistically be rebuilt?

If the breakup involved broken trust, ask what rebuilding would actually require.

Trust is not restored simply because you decide to reunite.

You may need honest conversations, consistency and time.

If you are considering returning but expect to constantly monitor your partner, check their phone or demand proof that they are telling the truth, ask whether the relationship would feel workable for either of you.

Likewise, nobody should be expected to surrender privacy or tolerate controlling behaviour as proof of commitment.

If both of you want to rebuild trust but do not know how, relationship counselling may provide a structured place to discuss it.

9. Do you want this relationship, or the version you hope it could become?

This question can be uncomfortable.

Sometimes people return to a relationship because they believe that this time their partner will become more affectionate, communicate differently, change their priorities or finally want the same future.

People can change.

But decisions are safer when they are based on the person and relationship in front of you, not a future version you need them to become.

Ask:

“If nothing fundamental changed from this point, would I still choose this relationship?”

If the answer depends on several major changes that have not happened, pay attention to that.

Hope can be valuable. It should not replace evidence.

10. Do you feel safe, respected and free to say no?

This question matters more than whether you still love each other.

You should be able to have boundaries, disagree, make independent choices and say no without being frightened of your partner’s reaction.

The NHS describes domestic abuse as including emotional, physical and sexual abuse, as well as controlling behaviour, isolation, monitoring, threats and intimidation.

If the previous relationship involved abuse, coercion, threats, stalking, sexual pressure or fear, do not treat reconciliation as an ordinary question about whether you still have feelings.

Missing an abusive former partner does not make the relationship safe.

Consider speaking with a specialist domestic abuse service before making decisions about renewed contact.

Signs getting back together may be worth discussing

No checklist can tell you that reconciliation will work.

However, a conversation about trying again may be more realistic when:

both of you freely want to consider it
you can clearly explain why you broke up
the original problems can be discussed honestly
meaningful circumstances or behaviours have changed
both people can take responsibility for their own actions
important needs and future plans are compatible
boundaries can be discussed and respected
neither person expects the relationship to simply return to how it was before

You do not have to decide immediately.

Reconnecting does not require you to resume the entire relationship overnight.

Signs you may want to slow down

Give yourself more time if the main reason for getting back together is:

you feel lonely
you are frightened they will meet someone else
your ex is pressuring you
you feel guilty for hurting them
you miss the comfort of the relationship but not how it actually worked
neither of you can discuss why you separated
nothing has changed except that you miss each other
you believe being reunited will automatically fix the original problems

Strong emotions can create urgency.

You are allowed to slow the decision down.

What if your ex wants you back but you are unsure?

You do not have to answer immediately.

You can say:

“I care about you, but I need time to think about whether getting back together is right for me.”

An apology, declaration of love or promise to change does not create an obligation to reconcile.

If you want more information, ask what your ex believes would be different this time.

Listen to the answer, then decide for yourself.

You are allowed to conclude that the relationship mattered deeply and still should remain over.

What if you want your ex back but they do not?

This can be painful, particularly if you believe the relationship could work differently now.

You can communicate your feelings respectfully if the situation allows it.

But once your ex has clearly said no, respect that boundary.

Repeatedly contacting them, trying to persuade them or using friends to change their mind is unlikely to create the mutual choice a relationship needs.

Your feelings may take longer to catch up with the reality of the breakup.

That does not mean you need to keep trying.

If you decide to get back together

Try not to pretend the breakup never happened.

Talk about what you both want now.

You might discuss:

what each of you learned while apart
why you want to try again
what needs to change
which boundaries matter
how you will handle recurring disagreements
what your expectations are
whether you want to rebuild slowly

You do not need to make dramatic promises.

Specific agreements are usually more useful than saying, “Everything will be different.”

If communication becomes difficult, relationship counselling may be worth considering.

If you decide not to get back together

You may still love your ex.

You may still wonder what would have happened if you tried again.

A decision can be painful and still feel right.

If you know you do not want to restart the relationship, clarity can help both people move forward.

You might say:

“I care about you and I value what we had, but I don’t want to restart the relationship.”

You do not need to produce an argument strong enough to make your ex agree with your decision.

A relationship requires mutual consent. You are allowed to say no.

When to get professional advice

Relationship counselling may help if both of you are considering reconciliation but find it difficult to discuss what happened, rebuild trust or decide what you want. Relate offers counselling and relationship support for couples and individuals.

If the previous relationship involved coercion, controlling behaviour, threats, stalking, sexual pressure, physical harm or fear, seek specialist support before considering renewed contact. The NHS provides information about recognising domestic abuse and accessing support.

If you feel pressured or frightened by an ex-partner’s attempts to contact you, take that seriously. You do not owe anyone reconciliation, a meeting or continued communication.

If you are in immediate danger, contact the emergency services.