Should I Stay or Leave My Relationship? Questions to Ask Yourself

If you keep wondering whether to stay or leave your relationship, you may be hoping for one question that makes the answer obvious. Usually, there is not one.

Relationships can contain love and disappointment at the same time. You can care about someone and still question whether the relationship works for you. You can also be going through a difficult period without necessarily wanting the relationship to end.

Rather than asking only whether your relationship is “good enough”, it can help to look at how you actually feel, what repeatedly happens between you, whether change is possible and what you want your life to look like.

These questions are not a test with a score. They are prompts to help you think more clearly.

1. Am I unhappy with the relationship or going through a difficult time generally?

Start by looking beyond the relationship for a moment.

Work stress, money worries, grief, health concerns, caring responsibilities and low mood can affect how connected you feel to other people. The NHS lists relationship difficulties among several possible causes of low mood, alongside work, family, financial and health problems.

Ask yourself:

Do I feel unhappy mainly around my partner?
Do I feel low or disconnected in other parts of my life too?
Did these doubts begin after a particular event or life change?
When I have time away from my partner, do I feel relieved, lonely, happier or much the same?

This is not about blaming yourself for relationship problems. It is about understanding the full picture before making a major decision.

2. What exactly is making me consider leaving?

“I am not happy” is meaningful, but it can be difficult to act on until you understand what sits underneath it.

Try finishing this sentence:

“I am thinking about leaving because…”

Write down whatever comes up without immediately arguing with yourself.

Perhaps you feel lonely in the relationship. Maybe trust has been damaged. You may want different futures, feel unsupported, struggle with recurring conflict or simply no longer want the relationship you once wanted.

You do not need a dramatic reason for your feelings to matter.

3. Is this a temporary problem or a repeated pattern?

Every relationship can go through difficult periods.

A stressful few months after a job loss, bereavement, move or other major change may feel very different from experiencing the same painful dynamic for years.

Look at the pattern rather than one particularly good or bad week.

Ask:

How long have I felt this way?
Have we had this problem before?
What happened the last time we tried to address it?
Does the problem genuinely improve or simply disappear until the next argument?
Is the relationship becoming healthier, staying the same or becoming harder?

Repeated behaviour often tells you more than repeated promises.

4. Can I be myself in this relationship?

A relationship should leave room for two separate people.

Think about whether you feel able to express your opinions, maintain friendships, pursue interests, spend time alone and make ordinary choices without fearing your partner’s reaction.

Compromise is part of many relationships, but constantly shrinking yourself to keep the peace is different.

Ask yourself whether you like who you are in this relationship.

Do you feel respected and able to grow? Or have you gradually become quieter, more anxious or less connected to the things and people that matter to you?

5. Do I feel heard when I raise a problem?

Disagreement does not automatically mean a relationship is unhealthy.

What matters is also how the two of you handle disagreement.

When you explain that something has hurt or bothered you, does your partner try to understand? Can they disagree without mocking, intimidating or dismissing you?

And can you offer them the same space?

Healthy communication does not require perfect calm at all times. It does require enough respect that both people can speak honestly without being punished for having feelings, needs or boundaries.

6. Are my needs being ignored or simply different from my partner’s?

People can love each other and still want different things.

You may have different needs around affection, communication, independence, social life, finances, commitment, where to live, marriage or parenthood.

There is no universal amount of closeness, communication or shared time that every couple should want.

The important questions are:

Have I clearly communicated what matters to me?
Has my partner clearly communicated what matters to them?
Are we both willing to make reasonable adjustments?
Can our needs coexist without one person repeatedly sacrificing something fundamental?

Sometimes a relationship problem is not a failure of effort. It is an incompatibility that deserves to be acknowledged honestly.

7. Do I trust my partner?

Trust does not mean never feeling insecure or never asking questions.

Think instead about whether your partner’s behaviour generally gives you reason to believe what they say.

If trust was broken, ask whether anything has meaningfully changed since then.

Has the person responsible acknowledged what happened? Are agreed boundaries being respected? Do their actions match their promises?

You are not required to restore trust simply because someone apologised.

Equally, if your partner has behaved consistently and honestly but anxiety keeps making you fear betrayal without evidence, individual support may help you explore where those fears are coming from.

8. Are we both trying to improve things?

One person cannot maintain a relationship for two people.

Perhaps you are always starting difficult conversations, suggesting solutions or trying to repair things after arguments. Or perhaps your partner is asking for changes that you know, privately, you no longer want to make.

Ask yourself:

Do we both recognise the problem?
Do we both want the relationship to improve?
Are we both changing our behaviour where necessary?
Does one person carry most of the emotional work?
Are we trying because we want to be together, or because ending feels frightening?

Effort does not guarantee that a relationship will work, but mutual willingness matters.

9. Am I staying because I want to, or because leaving feels difficult?

Leaving a relationship can involve grief, practical disruption and uncertainty even when you believe it is the right choice.

You may worry about being alone, hurting your partner, regretting the decision, changing your living arrangements or explaining the breakup to other people.

Those concerns are real.

But they are different from wanting the relationship itself.

Try asking: if the practical difficulties of separating disappeared tomorrow, would I still choose this relationship?

Your answer may not be immediate, but the question can reveal what is keeping you there.

10. Am I comparing my relationship with an unrealistic ideal?

No relationship feels exciting, effortless and emotionally close every day.

Long-term relationships can include routine, irritation, periods of lower connection and ordinary disagreements.

Social media can also show polished fragments of other people’s relationships without showing the difficult or mundane parts.

Instead of asking whether your relationship looks as happy as somebody else’s, ask whether it meets the standards that genuinely matter to you.

Do you feel respected? Can you communicate? Is there care? Can you make choices freely? Do your lives still fit together in ways that matter to both of you?

Your relationship does not need to resemble anyone else’s.

11. If nothing changed, would I want this relationship a year from now?

This question can be uncomfortable because it removes the fantasy of future change.

Imagine the relationship remains largely as it is now.

The same communication. The same routines. The same strengths. The same recurring problems.

How do you feel when you picture another year like this?

You do not need to assume that people cannot change. People can change their behaviour, especially when they genuinely want to.

But your decision should not depend entirely on the person you hope your partner might eventually become.

12. What would need to change for me to genuinely want to stay?

Try making this concrete.

Perhaps you need more honest communication, a fairer division of responsibilities, greater independence, repaired trust or clarity about a shared future.

Then ask whether those changes are reasonable and whether both of you actually want them.

“Everything needs to be different” may suggest that the relationship no longer fits.

A few specific, realistic changes may give you something you can discuss and observe.

If you decide to try again, consider agreeing on what each of you will do differently and checking in later. Look for behaviour rather than relying only on reassuring words.

13. Am I allowed to leave even if nothing terrible happened?

Yes.

A relationship does not have to become unbearable before you are allowed to end it.

You may realise that your feelings have changed. Your lives may be moving in different directions. You may have tried to repair recurring problems and decided you no longer want to continue.

You do not need to build a legal case against your partner.

Ending a relationship can still hurt both people. That does not automatically make the decision wrong.

If you decide to leave and it is safe to do so, aim to be clear rather than creating false hope. You can be compassionate without suggesting that the decision is negotiable when it is not.

14. Do I feel safe with my partner?

This question is different from the others.

If you are frightened of your partner, controlled, threatened, humiliated, isolated or pressured, the issue is not simply whether the relationship makes you happy.

Women’s Aid describes coercive control as a pattern that can include monitoring someone’s time or online activity, controlling finances, isolating them from friends or family, restricting everyday choices, humiliation and threats.

Sexual consent must also be freely given. Being in a relationship does not remove anyone’s right to say no or to change their mind.

If you are experiencing abuse, ordinary relationship advice such as communicating better or compromising may not be appropriate and could be unsafe.

You do not need to tell an abusive or controlling partner that you are considering leaving before seeking specialist advice. A domestic abuse service can help you think about your options and safety.

Give yourself permission not to decide immediately

Uncertainty can feel uncomfortable, but rushing yourself does not always create clarity.

You might spend some time writing down how you feel after interactions with your partner. Talk to someone you trust who will listen without pressuring you towards a particular decision.

You can also notice what happens after you raise concerns.

Does your partner listen? Does anything change? Do you feel more hopeful because the relationship is genuinely improving, or only because the difficult conversation is over?

Sometimes clarity arrives gradually.

When to get professional advice

Relationship counselling can help some couples explore recurring difficulties, communication and decisions about their future. Counselling does not have to be about keeping a relationship together at any cost. The NHS describes counselling as a talking therapy in which a counsellor listens without judgement and helps people find their own solutions to problems.

Individual counselling can also give you private space to understand your feelings if you are unsure what you want. NHS talking therapies are available for certain mental health difficulties, and adults in England can self-refer to NHS Talking Therapies for anxiety and depression without needing a diagnosis.

If you have felt low for more than two weeks, are struggling to cope or your mood is affecting everyday life, the NHS recommends seeking professional support.

If your relationship involves fear, coercive control, threats, physical violence, sexual abuse or other abusive behaviour, seek specialist domestic abuse support. Couples counselling and ordinary communication strategies are not substitutes for safety support in an abusive relationship.

You do not have to know today what the rest of your life will look like. Focus first on what the relationship is actually like now, what you need, what can realistically change and whether you feel respected and safe enough to choose freely.