How to Feel More Confident During Sex

Feeling confident during sex does not mean looking perfect, knowing exactly what to do or never feeling self-conscious. Sexual confidence is often much quieter than that. It can mean feeling able to be present, communicate what you like, say no to what you do not want and trust that you do not have to perform for somebody else.

If you feel nervous, awkward or overly aware of your body during sex, you are not unusual. Confidence can be affected by body image, previous experiences, relationship dynamics, anxiety, unfamiliarity with a partner or simply putting too much pressure on yourself.

Rather than trying to become a completely different, fearless version of yourself, it can help to make sex feel safer, more comfortable and less like something you have to get right.

Stop treating sex like a performance

One of the quickest ways to lose confidence is to start watching yourself from the outside.

You might wonder whether your body looks attractive from a particular angle, whether you are making the right sounds, whether your partner is enjoying themselves enough or whether you are doing something “correctly”.

That mental commentary can make it difficult to notice what you are actually feeling.

Try shifting your attention towards physical and emotional sensations instead. Notice what feels comfortable, what you enjoy, how your body responds and whether you feel relaxed and connected.

There is no universal standard for being good at sex. Different people enjoy different things, and preferences can change between partners and over time.

Sex is not an audition. You are allowed to participate rather than perform.

Work with your body instead of fighting it

Body insecurity can become especially loud during intimate moments because you may feel more physically exposed than usual.

Mind explains that body image is connected with how we think and feel about our bodies and how we imagine other people see us. Appearance pressures and comparison can also affect confidence and self-esteem.

You do not have to suddenly love every part of your body before you can feel more comfortable during sex.

A more realistic goal may be to become less focused on evaluating your appearance.

Try paying attention to what your body can feel and do rather than how it looks. You can also make the environment more comfortable for yourself. That might mean choosing lighting you like, wearing something that helps you feel relaxed or taking more time before becoming physically intimate.

These choices are not signs that you have failed at body confidence. Comfort can be a useful bridge while you build it.

Tell your partner what helps you feel comfortable

Confidence becomes much harder when you are trying to guess what another person wants while hiding what you need.

Simple communication can remove some of that pressure.

You might say:

“I feel a little shy sometimes, so I like taking things slowly.”

“I really like it when you do that.”

“Can we stay like this for a bit?”

“I’m not comfortable with that.”

You do not need sophisticated language. Clear and kind is enough.

A considerate partner should be interested in whether you feel comfortable, not only in whether you appear confident.

If you are nervous about discussing sex in the moment, talk outside the bedroom. It may feel easier to explain what makes you comfortable when neither of you is expecting sexual activity to follow immediately.

Remember that you can change your mind

Confidence is not the ability to go along with everything without hesitation.

In fact, feeling able to stop, pause or say no can be an important part of feeling secure during sex.

Sexual consent must be freely given. NHS sexual health guidance states that consent can be withdrawn at any time and should never be assumed. Agreeing to one sexual activity does not automatically mean agreeing to another, and having consented previously does not mean you have consented again.

Knowing that you genuinely have a choice can reduce the feeling that you need to keep going because you have already started.

The same applies to your partner. Both people should have room to communicate, change their minds and set boundaries without pressure.

Take pressure off the outcome

Sex can become stressful when you feel there is a particular outcome you are supposed to achieve.

You may worry about orgasm, how long sex lasts, how often you have it or whether the experience matches what you think other people are doing.

Try replacing the question “Am I doing this well?” with “Am I comfortable and enjoying this?”

Not every sexual experience needs to look the same. Sometimes you may want more intimacy. Sometimes less. Sometimes you may want affection without sex at all.

You are also allowed to slow down. Confidence often grows when you have enough time to notice what you actually want rather than trying to keep pace with somebody else’s expectations.

Learn what you actually like

It is difficult to communicate preferences if you have never had much space to think about them.

Consider what makes intimacy enjoyable for you. This can include emotional factors as much as physical ones.

Do you feel more relaxed after talking and connecting first? Do you prefer your partner to ask before trying something new? Does privacy matter? Do you enjoy affection without expecting it to lead to sex?

You do not need to have definite answers.

Curiosity is enough. Your preferences can develop and change, and you never need to agree to an experience simply to become more adventurous or confident.

Reduce comparison

Films, pornography, advertising and social media can create narrow ideas about what attractive bodies, desire and sexual confidence are supposed to look like.

Real intimacy does not need to resemble any of them.

Mind advises noticing when you compare your body with other people’s and redirecting your attention when comparison becomes unhelpful.

The same principle can apply to sexual confidence.

Try not to measure your relationship against stories about how frequently other people have sex, what they supposedly enjoy or how adventurous they are. Those comparisons tell you very little about what will make you feel safe and satisfied.

Your sex life does not need to impress anyone outside it.

Build confidence gradually

If you feel very self-conscious, trying to force yourself into situations that make you deeply uncomfortable may increase anxiety rather than confidence.

Start with smaller changes.

You might practise saying what you enjoy. Ask for something simple. Leave a light on if you usually hide in darkness, or turn it down if that makes you more comfortable. Allow yourself to pause instead of pretending you feel relaxed. Talk about one insecurity with a trusted partner.

Notice moments when you do feel present rather than concentrating only on the moments when you feel awkward.

Confidence rarely needs a dramatic breakthrough. It can develop through repeated experiences of being listened to, respected and comfortable enough to be yourself.

Choose partners who make confidence easier

Sexual confidence is not entirely an individual project.

How another person treats you matters.

A partner who mocks your body, ignores your boundaries, pressures you, deliberately makes you jealous or criticises your sexual experience can make confidence much harder.

You should not have to become more confident so that you can tolerate disrespect.

Healthy sexual communication leaves room for both people to speak honestly. You should be able to say that you are nervous, ask for reassurance, express a preference or decline sexual activity without being punished or pressured.

If you feel afraid of what will happen if you say no, the problem is not a lack of confidence.

When to get professional advice

Consider getting professional support if worries about sex or your body are causing significant distress, affecting your relationships or making intimacy consistently difficult.

A GP can help if confidence has changed alongside sexual pain, changes in desire, difficulties with arousal or another physical or emotional concern. NHS sexual health services can also provide confidential advice about sexual health, contraception and STI testing.

If anxiety, low self-esteem or persistent body image concerns are affecting other parts of your life too, you may find it helpful to speak to a GP or mental health professional. Mind notes that self-esteem and mental health can be closely linked, although low self-esteem itself is not a mental health diagnosis.

Psychosexual or relationship therapy may also be an option if sexual anxiety or loss of confidence is creating ongoing difficulties.

If somebody is pressuring, coercing or frightening you into sexual activity, seek support rather than treating the situation as a confidence problem. Consent must be freely given and can be withdrawn at any time.