How to Have Better Sex: A Realistic Guide to Improving Your Sex Life

Better sex is not about knowing a perfect technique, having sex more often or performing in a particular way. For many people, a more satisfying sex life starts with feeling safe enough to communicate, understanding what you enjoy, respecting each other’s boundaries and taking some of the pressure off getting everything “right”.

There is no universal definition of good sex. What feels enjoyable, intimate or important varies between people and can change over time. The aim is not to copy somebody else’s sex life. It is to create sexual experiences that feel comfortable, consensual and satisfying for the people involved.

Stop measuring your sex life against an imaginary standard

It is easy to believe that everyone else is having more exciting, spontaneous or frequent sex.

That comparison can create pressure before you have even considered what you actually want.

Relate notes that there is no such thing as perfect sex and that intimacy is personal to each relationship. It also points out that the “right” amount of sex is the amount that works for you and your partner.

So rather than asking whether you are having enough sex, ask better questions.

Do you enjoy the sex you are having? Do you feel comfortable saying what you want and do not want? Can you stop or change direction without awkwardness or pressure? Do you feel listened to? Are you able to talk about contraception and sexual health where relevant?

Those answers tell you far more about your sex life than a number ever could.

Talk about sex outside the bedroom

Good sexual communication does not have to happen in the middle of sex.

In fact, talking at a neutral moment can make it easier to be honest without either person feeling criticised or put on the spot.

You could ask:

“What have you been enjoying lately?”
“Is there anything you’d like more or less of?”
“Is there anything that makes it harder for you to relax?”
“What helps you feel close to me?”
“Are there any boundaries you want me to know about?”

Try to approach the conversation with curiosity rather than evaluation.

Relate recommends making time for conversations without interruptions, listening to each other and describing your own feelings rather than blaming your partner.

You do not need identical preferences. You need enough honesty to understand where you agree, where you differ and what both of you genuinely want.

Consent is not an obstacle to spontaneity. It is part of creating sex where everyone involved feels respected.

Consent should be freely given. You can change your mind before or during sexual activity, and your partner can do the same.

Brook advises that if you feel uncomfortable before or during sex, you can change your mind and stop.

Checking in does not always need to sound formal. Asking “Does this feel good?”, “Do you want to keep going?” or “Would you rather stop?” can be natural parts of intimacy.

Pay attention to uncertainty too. If someone seems uncomfortable, freezes, pulls away or stops participating, do not treat silence as a reason to continue.

Nobody owes sex because they are dating, married, previously agreed, started sexual activity or have had sex with that person before.

Learn what you actually enjoy

It can be surprisingly difficult to tell another person what you like if you have never really considered it yourself.

Think about what makes sexual intimacy enjoyable for you beyond specific sexual acts.

Perhaps you need time to relax. Maybe emotional closeness matters first. You may prefer affection, humour, privacy, reassurance, slower pacing or clearer communication.

You can also notice what you do not enjoy.

You do not need to tolerate something because you think you should like it. Preferences vary, and they can change.

If you are with a partner, encourage the same curiosity in them. Avoid assuming that something they enjoyed previously will always feel good or that everybody with a similar body enjoys the same things.

Ask and listen.

Take pressure off performance

Trying very hard to have “amazing sex” can sometimes make sex feel like a test.

You may start monitoring whether you look attractive enough, whether your partner is enjoying themselves enough, whether your body is responding as expected or whether the experience is lasting the “right” amount of time.

That can pull your attention away from what you are actually feeling.

Relate notes that worries about having to perform can create anxiety around sex. Its guidance for couples reconnecting sexually suggests that reducing pressure and gradually rediscovering enjoyable intimacy can sometimes help.

Sex does not need to follow a fixed sequence or reach a particular endpoint to count as worthwhile.

You can slow down, laugh, change your mind, pause or decide you would rather cuddle and go to sleep.

Remember that desire can change

Sexual desire is not necessarily constant.

You and your partner may want sex at different times or with different frequency. Relate notes that sexual interest can ebb and flow and that differences in libido are common.

There can also be physical or emotional reasons for changes in desire.

The NHS lists possible causes of low sex drive including relationship difficulties, stress, anxiety or depression, pregnancy and caring for a baby, menopause, certain medicines, hormonal contraception and some long-term health conditions.

A change in desire therefore does not automatically mean that somebody has stopped loving or finding their partner attractive.

If one person wants sex and the other does not, the answer is not pressure. Talk about how each of you is feeling and look for forms of closeness that you both genuinely want.

Make comfort a priority

Sex should not be something you routinely endure through discomfort to please somebody else.

If something feels uncomfortable, stop or adjust. If pain keeps happening, seek appropriate medical advice rather than assuming it is simply something you have to accept.

Comfort can also be practical. Privacy, enough time, feeling rested and not being worried about interruption may affect how relaxed you feel.

If condoms are relevant to the sex you are having, Brook advises using a new condom each time and explains that condoms help protect against STIs as well as pregnancy. Other contraception may be needed depending on your circumstances and pregnancy intentions.

Sexual health conversations can feel unromantic, but knowing that you have discussed protection, testing and boundaries can remove uncertainty and help both people feel more secure.

Do not make orgasm the only measure of good sex

Orgasm can be enjoyable and important to some people, but it does not need to be the sole measure of whether sex was successful.

Turning it into a requirement can create pressure for both partners.

Instead, pay attention to the whole experience. Did you feel connected? Comfortable? Excited? Relaxed? Respected? Did you enjoy the affection or closeness even if your body did not respond exactly as expected?

Bodies do not behave like machines. Stress, tiredness, health, medication, hormones, mood and many other factors can affect sexual response.

If difficulty reaching orgasm, erectile difficulties, pain, dryness or another sexual concern is persistent or upsetting, professional advice may be more useful than trying increasingly hard to “perform”.

Keep curiosity mutual

Trying something new can bring variety to a sex life, but novelty is not automatically better.

The important question is whether everyone involved is interested.

If you want to suggest something, make it easy for your partner to say no without fearing disappointment or conflict. Likewise, you are allowed to decline something your partner wants to try.

A respectful response to a boundary can be as simple as, “That’s completely fine.”

You can also improve your sex life without introducing anything new. More time, better communication, less pressure or more affection may make a bigger difference than novelty.

Pay attention to the relationship outside sex

Sex does not exist separately from the rest of a relationship.

If you feel resentful, ignored, exhausted or emotionally distant, focusing only on sexual technique may miss what is actually getting in the way.

Relate identifies feeling less connected, being busy and relationship difficulties among reasons sexual interest may change.

Consider how you relate to each other during ordinary life.

Do you have time to talk? Do you feel appreciated? Can you resolve disagreements respectfully? Is affection available without an expectation that it must become sexual?

Sometimes improving emotional connection helps people feel more open to physical intimacy. Sometimes it does not, and that is also worth talking about honestly.

When to get professional advice

Speak to a GP, sexual health clinic or another appropriate healthcare professional if you have persistent pain during sex, ongoing problems with sexual function, an unexplained change in desire, or concerns about medication, contraception, menopause, pregnancy or another health issue.

The NHS advises speaking to a GP if you are worried about low sex drive or think medicine or hormonal contraception may be affecting it.

If you are concerned about an STI, the NHS advises arranging testing. Sexual health clinics can provide confidential advice, testing and treatment. Brook also provides sexual health information and service guidance.

Relationship counselling or sex therapy may be helpful if communication about sex repeatedly becomes difficult, you and a partner have significantly different needs, or sexual problems are causing distress.

If somebody pressures, threatens, guilts or coerces you into sexual activity, this is not a sexual compatibility problem that you need to solve by becoming “better” at sex. Relate states that regularly feeling pressured into sex is not a healthy relationship dynamic. Prioritise your safety and seek specialist support if you need it.

Better sex should never require ignoring your boundaries. It is much more likely to grow from communication, consent, curiosity and the freedom for everyone involved to be honest about what they do and do not want.