Toddler Aggression: How to Respond to Hitting, Kicking and Pushing

Seeing your toddler hit, kick or push can be upsetting, especially when another child gets hurt. It can also leave you wondering whether you have handled something badly. In young children, however, occasional physical behaviour can happen while they are still learning to communicate, cope with frustration and manage strong feelings.

The priority is to keep everyone safe, make the boundary clear and respond as calmly and consistently as you can. You can acknowledge the feeling without accepting the behaviour: “You’re angry. I won’t let you hit.”

Toddler aggression does not automatically mean a child is unusually aggressive or will continue behaving this way as they grow. The NHS notes that most young children occasionally bite, hit or push and that this does not mean they will grow up to be aggressive.

Why do toddlers hit, kick and push?

A toddler can experience a very big feeling without yet having the words or self-control to deal with it in the way an adult might expect.

The NHS explains that toddlers can become frustrated because they want to express themselves but find it difficult. Hitting and biting can occur alongside tantrums, and children may also go through phases in which insecurity or upset comes out as aggressive behaviour.

Common situations might include:

another child taking a toy
being told they cannot have something
having to stop an enjoyable activity
struggling to communicate what they want
becoming overwhelmed during a tantrum
feeling tired, hungry, frustrated or overstimulated
dealing with a change in routine or family life

The reason matters because it can help you decide what support your child needs. It does not mean hitting should be ignored.

A toddler who pushes because another child grabbed their toy still needs a clear boundary. The explanation simply helps you teach an alternative.

What to do when your toddler hits, kicks or pushes

In the moment, keep your response simple. A toddler who is extremely angry or distressed may not be ready for a lengthy explanation.

Stop the behaviour and make things safe

If you can do so safely, prevent another hit, kick or push and create enough space between the children.

Use a short statement such as:

“I won’t let you hit.”

“We don’t kick people.”

“Pushing hurts.”

The aim is to make the boundary understandable, not to frighten or shame your child.

If another child has been hurt, attend to them too. Your toddler can learn that hurting someone has a real effect without being labelled as “naughty”, “mean” or “aggressive”.

Try to stay calm

This can be difficult when someone has just been hit or you are dealing with the behaviour for the fifth time that morning.

Still, responding with hitting, biting or kicking back is not appropriate. NHS guidance specifically advises against this because it can teach a child that the same behaviour is acceptable.

If you feel yourself becoming very angry, focus first on making the situation safe and keeping your words brief.

Name the feeling

Once you understand what happened, you can help your toddler connect the behaviour with the emotion underneath it.

“You were angry because you wanted the truck.”

“You didn’t want playtime to finish.”

“You were frustrated when she took the ball.”

NHS Best Start in Life guidance encourages parents to name toddlers’ feelings and help them learn ways to manage big emotions.

Naming anger does not mean allowing hitting.

You can follow with the boundary:

“It’s OK to feel angry. It isn’t OK to push.”

Wait until they are calmer to explain

Trying to reason with a toddler in the middle of an intense outburst can be frustrating for both of you.

The NHS explains that when toddlers are overwhelmed by big feelings, they can find it difficult to take in new information. Its guidance suggests helping a child regulate first, reconnecting as they calm, then reasoning once they are ready.

The useful conversation may therefore happen after the incident rather than during it.

Teach your toddler what to do instead

“Don’t hit” tells a toddler what must stop. They also need help learning what they can do instead.

The alternative will depend on the situation.

You might teach simple phrases such as:

“My turn.”

“Stop.”

“Help.”

“I don’t like it.”

For a child whose language is still developing, you can model the words repeatedly rather than expecting them to remember immediately during an emotional moment.

You can also show practical alternatives. If two children want the same toy, help them take turns. If your toddler is overwhelmed, move with them to a quieter space. If frustration is building, help before it reaches the point where they lash out.

Learning a replacement behaviour takes repetition. A toddler may understand the rule on Tuesday and still hit again on Wednesday.

Look for patterns behind aggressive behaviour

If hitting, kicking or pushing happens regularly, try observing what tends to happen beforehand.

The NHS advises considering possible reasons behind difficult behaviour and notes that tiredness, hunger, frustration, boredom, overexcitement and changes in a child’s life can all affect behaviour.

You might notice that incidents happen most often:

just before lunch
after a poor night’s sleep
when another child comes close to a favourite toy
during busy playgroups
when it is time to leave somewhere
after nursery
during a recent family change

You do not need a complicated behaviour chart. A few notes on your phone about what happened before and after an incident may be enough to reveal a pattern.

Once you see a predictable trigger, you may be able to prepare for it.

For example, if leaving the playground regularly ends in kicking, give your child simple warnings before it is time to go and keep the leaving routine predictable.

This may reduce conflict, but it will not prevent every difficult moment.

Be consistent about the boundary

Toddlers learn through repetition.

If hitting sometimes produces a strong reaction, sometimes gets ignored and sometimes results in the child getting what they wanted, the boundary can become confusing.

Try to use a similar calm response each time:

“You are angry. I won’t let you hit.”

Consistency does not require you to respond perfectly. Parents get tired, rushed and overwhelmed too.

It simply means keeping the central message steady: feelings are allowed, hurting people is not.

NHS guidance on child behaviour recommends consistency and also encourages parents to notice and praise behaviour they want to see.

So pay attention when your toddler manages a difficult situation without hitting:

“You were cross, but you used your words.”

“You waited for your turn.”

“You gave the toy back gently.”

Specific praise helps your child understand what they did well.

Should you make your toddler apologise?

A forced “sorry” immediately after an incident may not mean much if your toddler is still overwhelmed or does not yet understand what happened.

You can still model repair.

For example:

“Sam is crying because he got pushed. Let’s check he’s OK.”

Later, if your child is calm, you can encourage an age-appropriate way to reconnect, such as saying sorry, helping rebuild knocked-over blocks or offering the toy back.

The goal is not to make your toddler feel ashamed. It is to gradually help them understand that their actions affect other people.

What not to do when your toddler is aggressive

Aggressive behaviour can trigger an instinctive reaction, particularly if you are embarrassed in public or worried about another child.

Try to avoid:

hitting, kicking or biting your child back
humiliating or labelling them
giving a long lecture during a meltdown
assuming every incident is deliberate
changing an important boundary simply to stop the outburst
expecting one conversation to permanently solve the behaviour

The NHS advises parents not to hit, bite or kick back and recommends making it clear that hurting other people is not allowed.

A firm response can still be calm.

Is toddler aggression normal?

Occasional hitting, biting and pushing can occur in young children. The NHS describes these behaviours as common and advises parents that they do not mean a child will grow up to be aggressive.

That does not mean every level of aggression should simply be accepted as a phase.

Frequency, severity and impact matter.

A toddler who occasionally pushes during a disagreement over a toy presents a different situation from a child who is repeatedly causing significant injuries or whose behaviour makes ordinary family or nursery activities very difficult.

Look at the pattern rather than comparing your child with one toddler at playgroup.

When to get professional advice

Speak to your health visitor or GP if you are seriously concerned about your toddler’s aggressive behaviour. NHS guidance recommends seeking professional advice if you have serious concerns about your child’s behaviour.

It is particularly sensible to ask for help if hitting, kicking or pushing is frequent or severe, regularly causes injury, is becoming harder to manage, or significantly affects nursery, play, relationships or family life.

You should also mention any wider concerns you have about your child’s communication, development, behaviour or wellbeing rather than trying to decide yourself whether they are connected.

If your child attends nursery or another childcare setting, ask staff what they notice there. Knowing whether the behaviour happens across different settings and what tends to trigger it can be useful when speaking to a professional.

If aggressive behaviour appears suddenly alongside signs that your toddler is unwell, in pain or otherwise not themselves, seek medical advice rather than assuming the change is purely behavioural.

Toddler aggression can be exhausting to deal with, but you do not need to respond with anger to set a firm limit. Keep people safe, use clear language, help your child understand the feeling underneath the behaviour and show them what they can do instead. Those lessons often need to be repeated many times before they become skills a toddler can use independently.