Toddler Behaviour

Toddler behaviour can feel wonderfully funny one minute and completely exhausting the next. Tantrums, shouting, hitting, biting, refusing to cooperate and saying “no” are all behaviours many parents encounter during the toddler years.

Much of this behaviour is connected with development. Toddlers are becoming more independent, but they are still learning how to communicate what they want and manage strong feelings. NHS guidance explains that tantrums are very common in toddlers and can happen because young children feel frustrated but cannot yet express themselves easily.

That does not mean you have to accept unsafe or hurtful behaviour. Toddlers still need clear limits. The aim is to respond calmly and consistently while recognising that the behaviour may be communicating a feeling or need that your child cannot yet explain.

Why toddler behaviour can feel so intense

Toddlers are learning an enormous amount at once.

They are developing language, testing what their bodies can do, becoming more aware of what they want and discovering that adults sometimes say no.

Their desire for independence can develop faster than their ability to cope with disappointment.

A toddler may desperately want to put on their own shoes, pour their own drink or keep playing when it is time to leave. When something does not happen the way they expected, the frustration can be immediate.

NHS Best Start in Life explains that toddlers have big feelings but may struggle to express them. They need adult support while they gradually learn to understand and manage those emotions.

This can show up as behaviour that adults find difficult, including:

Tantrums
Screaming or shouting
Saying no repeatedly
Hitting
Kicking
Biting
Throwing things
Refusing to cooperate
Clinging
Becoming upset over seemingly small changes

The behaviour can still be difficult to manage even when you understand why it is happening.

What can affect a toddler’s behaviour?

Before deciding that your toddler is simply being difficult, it can help to look at what was happening beforehand.

NHS guidance notes that behaviour can be affected by factors such as tiredness, hunger, frustration and changes in a child’s life.

A toddler may find things harder when they are:

Tired
Hungry
Overwhelmed
Bored
Frustrated because they cannot communicate something
Adjusting to a new nursery or childminder
Coping with a new sibling
Experiencing changes at home
Seeking connection or attention

Sometimes there will be an obvious explanation. On other occasions, you may never work out exactly why the behaviour happened.

Looking for patterns can still be useful.

If every supermarket trip becomes difficult just before lunch, for example, timing may be contributing. If leaving the playground regularly triggers a tantrum, transitions may be particularly hard for your child.

Noticing these patterns is not about blaming yourself or your toddler. It simply gives you more information to work with.

Toddler tantrums

Tantrums are one of the behaviours most strongly associated with toddlerhood.

According to the NHS, tantrums commonly begin at around 18 months. Toddlers may cry, scream, kick, hit or become very upset.

During a tantrum, your child is unlikely to be in the best state for a long explanation.

Try to focus first on keeping everyone safe and helping the situation become calmer.

NHS Best Start in Life describes a three-step approach: regulate, relate and reason.

First, help your toddler calm down. You might use a calm voice and acknowledge what they seem to be feeling.

“I can see you’re really angry because we have to leave.”

Once they are calmer, reconnect with them. Depending on your child, that might mean staying close or offering comfort.

Later, when they can take in what you are saying, you can reinforce the limit.

“It’s OK to feel angry. It isn’t OK to hit.”

You do not need to deliver a lecture. Simple language is usually easier to understand.

What to do when your toddler keeps saying no

“No” can become a very popular word during the toddler years.

It can be frustrating, particularly when you are trying to leave the house, get dressed or complete an everyday task.

But saying no can also be part of a toddler experimenting with independence.

Where possible, offer small choices that you are genuinely happy with.

“Would you like the red cup or the blue cup?”

“Shall we put your shoes on first or your coat?”

Choices do not mean your toddler gets to decide everything. Some boundaries are not optional, particularly around safety.

The trick is to give them manageable opportunities for control where you can while remaining clear about the things that must happen.

Hitting, biting and kicking

Hitting or biting can be upsetting, especially if your toddler hurts another child.

The NHS states that many young children occasionally bite, hit or push and may not fully understand that these actions hurt.

Respond clearly without hitting or biting back.

You might say:

“I won’t let you hit.”

“Hitting hurts.”

Then move them or the other child to safety if needed.

Once your toddler is calmer, you can help put words to what happened.

“You were angry because you wanted the toy.”

This acknowledges the feeling without accepting the behaviour.

The NHS advises against hitting, biting or kicking a child back because this can suggest that the same behaviour is acceptable.

Throwing things

Throwing can mean different things depending on the situation.

A toddler throwing a soft ball during play is learning a useful physical skill. A toddler throwing a hard toy across the room because they are angry needs a different response.

Keep the limit simple.

“Blocks stay on the floor. You can throw the ball.”

If throwing continues and someone could be hurt, remove the object calmly.

Where possible, give your toddler an acceptable alternative. They might throw a soft ball into a basket, push a cushion or have active play outdoors.

You are showing that the feeling is allowed while certain actions are not.

Whining and demanding attention

Toddlers often want your attention at precisely the moment you are trying to cook, answer a message or speak to another adult.

Sometimes difficult behaviour can be connected with wanting attention. NHS guidance suggests giving children positive attention when they are behaving well rather than allowing difficult behaviour to become the main route to getting your focus.

That does not mean ignoring genuine distress.

Instead, notice ordinary positive moments too.

“Thank you for waiting while I finished that.”

“You put the book back on the shelf.”

“You were gentle with the cat.”

Specific praise helps your child understand exactly what you noticed.

Setting boundaries without constant shouting

Toddlers need boundaries, particularly where safety or hurting other people is concerned.

You can be firm without being frightening.

Try to keep limits:

Simple
Consistent
Appropriate for your child’s age
Focused on the behaviour rather than labelling the child

Instead of “You’re naughty”, try “I won’t let you hit.”

Instead of giving several warnings from across the room, move closer and use a short instruction.

Toddlers may need the same boundary repeated many times. Repetition does not necessarily mean your approach has failed. They are still learning.

NHS guidance advises against smacking. It notes that smacking does not have a lasting positive effect and can teach children that hitting is acceptable.

Try to notice behaviour before it escalates

You will not prevent every tantrum, and that is not a realistic goal.

Still, knowing your toddler’s common triggers can sometimes make things easier.

If transitions are difficult, a simple warning may help:

“We’re having one more go on the slide, then we’re going home.”

If your toddler is becoming overwhelmed in a busy environment, moving somewhere quieter may help.

If they are hungry or tired, addressing that need may be more useful than trying to reason about their behaviour.

The NHS also suggests distraction when you can see a tantrum beginning. For some toddlers, shifting attention to something interesting can interrupt the escalation.

It will not work every time, and that is fine.

Help your toddler name feelings

Toddlers cannot manage feelings they do not yet understand particularly well.

You can gradually give them simple words for emotional experiences.

For example:

“You look sad.”

“You’re angry because the game finished.”

“You’re excited to see Grandma.”

“That surprised you.”

NHS Best Start in Life recommends naming emotions such as happy, sad and angry to help toddlers learn words for what they are feeling.

You do not need to ask your child to discuss their emotions every time they become upset. Simply hearing these words used naturally over time can help build emotional language.

Praise the behaviour you want to see

It is easy for difficult behaviour to receive most of our attention because it demands an immediate response.

Try to notice the quieter moments too.

If your toddler shares, waits briefly, uses gentle hands or follows a request, acknowledge it.

Keep praise specific:

“Thank you for giving the toy back.”

“You used gentle hands with your brother.”

“You helped put the books away.”

NHS guidance recommends giving attention, praise, hugs or smiles when children behave well.

This does not mean rewarding every ordinary action or expecting perfect behaviour. It simply helps your toddler notice what is going well, not only what gets corrected.

What if you lose your patience?

Toddler behaviour can test even a very patient adult.

If you sometimes feel irritated, embarrassed or overwhelmed, that does not make the practical challenge disappear. It means you may need a moment to manage your own response too.

If your child is safe, taking a short pause can be better than shouting in anger.

You can also repair after a difficult moment.

If you shouted, you can say something simple such as:

“I shouted because I was frustrated. I’m sorry I shouted.”

You can still keep the original boundary.

Being calm does not mean never feeling angry. It means trying to respond in a way that keeps the situation safe and shows your child how difficult feelings can be handled.

Behaviour in public

A toddler tantrum in a supermarket, café or playground can feel much harder because other people are around.

Try to focus on your child rather than the audience.

If possible, move somewhere safer or quieter. Use the same calm limits you would use at home.

You do not need to produce an instant solution because someone nearby is watching.

NHS advice on tantrums specifically encourages parents not to worry about other people’s looks and to concentrate on staying calm.

Planning can sometimes help too. Shorter outings, snacks at appropriate times and involving your toddler in simple tasks may make some trips easier.

But even a well-rested, well-fed toddler can have a public tantrum. It is not always preventable.

Consistency helps, but family life is not perfect

Parents are often told to be consistent, and predictable boundaries can certainly help toddlers understand what to expect.

Still, real family life is not perfectly consistent.

Sometimes you will have more patience than other days. Grandparents may handle situations differently. A rule may need to change as your child develops.

Aim for a broadly predictable approach to important boundaries rather than expecting yourself to respond identically in every situation.

If hitting is not allowed, keep that limit clear.

If a toddler is allowed to choose between two shirts one morning but you are rushing the next, that is unlikely to undo everything.

Parenting a toddler requires flexibility as well as boundaries.

When to get professional advice

Many challenging toddler behaviours are common during early childhood, but you do not have to manage serious or persistent difficulties alone.

Speak to your health visitor or GP if you are seriously concerned about your toddler’s behaviour, if the behaviour is causing significant distress for your child or family, or if you are struggling to cope.

Seek professional advice if your child’s behaviour regularly puts them or other people at risk, if you are concerned about their communication or development alongside the behaviour, or if there has been a significant change that worries you.

If your toddler loses skills they previously had, speak to a health professional rather than assuming the change is simply behavioural.

You can also discuss concerns raised by nursery, childcare staff or other people who know your child well.

Toddler behaviour can be intense because toddlers themselves are still learning how to handle an intense stage of development. Clear boundaries, calm responses and plenty of opportunities to practise communication will not make every difficult moment disappear, but they can give your child a steady framework while those skills develop.