Toddler Tantrums: Why They Happen and How to Handle Them

Toddler tantrums can be loud, sudden and surprisingly intense. Your child may be happily playing one minute and crying on the floor the next because their banana broke, it is time to leave the park or you stopped them doing something unsafe. Although difficult to deal with, tantrums are a common part of toddler development.

The NHS explains that tantrums usually begin at around 18 months and are very common in toddlers. Young children have strong feelings but are still developing the language and emotional skills needed to express and manage them. Frustration can therefore come out as crying, screaming, kicking, hitting or refusing to cooperate.

Handling a tantrum is less about finding a trick that immediately stops it and more about keeping your toddler safe, staying as calm as you reasonably can, acknowledging the feeling and keeping necessary boundaries consistent.

Why do toddlers have tantrums?

Toddlers are learning an enormous amount about themselves and the world around them.

They are becoming more independent. They know what they want more often, but they cannot always have it, explain it or do it themselves.

That can be frustrating.

NHS Best Start in Life explains that toddlers have big feelings while their brains are still developing and they are only beginning to learn how to manage emotions.

Imagine wanting to pour your own drink but not having the coordination to do it. Or knowing exactly which toy you want but not having the words to explain where it is.

Then add a tired toddler brain to the situation.

A tantrum can be the result.

It does not necessarily mean your toddler is deliberately trying to make your day difficult. Often, their behaviour is communicating something they cannot yet put into words.

What can trigger a toddler tantrum?

Sometimes the reason is obvious.

Your toddler wanted another biscuit and you said no.

Other times, the reaction seems completely out of proportion to what happened.

Common triggers can include:

Hunger
Tiredness
Frustration
Jealousy
Being told no
Having to stop an enjoyable activity
Wanting to do something independently
Difficulty communicating a need or feeling
Feeling overwhelmed or overexcited
Changes to a familiar routine

The NHS specifically identifies tiredness, hunger and frustration among common reasons for difficult behaviour in toddlers and young children.

Several small things may also build up.

Your toddler might cope with putting their coat on, waiting for the bus and going into a busy shop, then become extremely upset because you handed them the wrong snack.

The snack may simply have been the final frustration.

What does a toddler tantrum look like?

Tantrums vary from child to child.

A toddler might:

Cry or scream
Shout “no”
Drop or lie on the floor
Kick
Hit
Bite
Throw objects
Push someone away
Become difficult to comfort

Some toddlers have frequent, dramatic tantrums. Others have relatively few.

Temperament, communication skills, tiredness and the situation can all influence how a child responds.

The NHS notes that hitting and biting can also occur in young children. Toddlers may not yet fully understand the effect their actions have on another person.

That does not mean hurting someone should be accepted. It means the behaviour needs a calm, clear boundary rather than being treated as evidence that your toddler is a “bad” child.

What to do during a toddler tantrum

When your toddler is extremely upset, complicated explanations are unlikely to help.

NHS Best Start in Life explains that toddlers can find it difficult to take in new information when they are overwhelmed by emotion.

Start with the immediate situation.

Keep everyone safe

If your toddler is hitting, kicking, throwing something dangerous or putting themselves at risk, intervene.

Move unsafe objects away or create some space between your child and another person if needed.

Use simple language.

“I won’t let you hit.”

“That isn’t safe.”

Avoid turning the moment into a long lecture.

Try to stay calm

This is often much easier to write than to do.

A screaming toddler can be incredibly stressful, especially if you are tired, late or surrounded by people.

Still, shouting back is unlikely to help your toddler settle. The NHS recommends concentrating on staying calm during a tantrum.

If you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed and your child is somewhere safe, give yourself a moment to regain your composure where possible.

Being calm does not mean pretending you are never frustrated. It means trying not to add more intensity to an already intense situation.

Name the feeling

Simple emotional language can help your toddler begin connecting sensations and behaviour with words.

“You are really angry.”

“You wanted to stay at the park.”

“You’re upset because you wanted to do it yourself.”

NHS Best Start in Life recommends naming toddlers’ feelings as part of helping them understand and eventually communicate their emotions.

You do not need to persuade your toddler that they should not feel upset.

The feeling can be accepted even if the answer remains no.

Keep the boundary

If the tantrum began because you set a reasonable boundary, changing your mind simply to stop the crying can make future situations more confusing.

The NHS advises parents not to reverse a decision just to end a tantrum.

You can be warm without changing the limit.

“I know you want another sweet. We’re not having another one.”

Your toddler may still be angry.

A successful boundary does not require your child to be pleased about it.

The NHS “regulate, relate and reason” approach

NHS Best Start in Life describes a three-stage approach to supporting toddlers with big feelings: regulate, relate and reason.

Regulate

First, help your toddler become calmer.

Stay nearby, speak calmly and acknowledge what they are feeling.

Some toddlers want physical comfort. Others may need a little space while knowing you are close.

Relate

Once the intensity begins to ease, reconnect.

Offer reassurance and affection in a way your child is comfortable with.

The message is that being angry or upset does not threaten their relationship with you.

Reason

Save explanations for when your toddler is calm enough to listen.

You might say:

“You were angry because you wanted the toy. It’s okay to be angry, but we don’t hit people.”

This is usually a better moment for teaching than the peak of the tantrum.

Should you ignore a toddler tantrum?

There is a difference between refusing to reward a tantrum and emotionally abandoning an overwhelmed child.

Current NHS Best Start in Life guidance encourages parents and carers to support toddlers with big feelings rather than expecting them to calm themselves without help.

That does not mean giving your toddler whatever they are demanding.

You can remain available while holding the boundary.

“I know you’re upset. I’m here.”

If your toddler does not want to be touched, you can give them physical space while staying close enough to keep them safe.

The response can depend on your child, the situation and what triggered the tantrum.

Can distraction help?

Sometimes.

The NHS suggests distraction can be useful if you notice a tantrum beginning.

You might point out something interesting outside, start a simple task together or redirect your toddler towards another activity.

Timing matters.

Distraction may work while frustration is building. Once a toddler is deeply upset, they may be too overwhelmed to shift their attention easily.

It is one option rather than a guaranteed solution.

How to handle tantrums in public

Public tantrums can feel especially difficult because parents often become aware of other people’s reactions.

Try to focus on your toddler rather than the audience.

If your child is safe, you do not need to end the tantrum instantly because someone nearby looks uncomfortable.

Keep your response simple and familiar.

If possible, move somewhere quieter if the environment is making things worse.

The NHS recommends keeping shopping trips relatively short where possible and involving toddlers in simple tasks, such as helping with shopping.

Planning can reduce some predictable triggers, but no amount of preparation prevents every public tantrum.

A toddler having a tantrum in a supermarket is still a toddler having a difficult moment. It is not a public assessment of your parenting.

What if your toddler hits or bites during tantrums?

Stop the behaviour without retaliating.

You can say:

“I won’t let you hit me.”

“Hitting hurts.”

Then move yourself, your toddler or the other child to create safety if necessary.

The NHS specifically advises parents not to hit, bite or kick back because this can suggest that those behaviours are acceptable.

Once everyone is calm, help your toddler connect the behaviour with the feeling.

“You were angry because she had the truck. You can be angry, but you cannot bite.”

Toddlers may need this lesson repeated many times.

Learning emotional control is gradual.

Can you prevent toddler tantrums?

You cannot prevent every tantrum, and that should not be the goal.

However, recognising patterns can sometimes make daily life easier.

Notice whether tantrums tend to happen:

Before meals
Near nap or bedtime
During rushed mornings
When leaving enjoyable places
In noisy or crowded environments
During long errands
When your toddler is asked to switch activities

If transitions are difficult, a simple warning can help some toddlers.

“Two more goes on the slide, then we’re leaving.”

Offering limited choices can also give your child some independence.

“Would you like your green cup or yellow cup?”

The important word is limited. Both options should be ones you are genuinely happy to accept.

What to do after a tantrum

Once your toddler is calm, you do not need to keep revisiting everything that happened.

Reconnect and continue with the day.

If there is something useful to teach, keep it short and concrete.

“You were very angry. Next time you can say ‘help’ instead of throwing.”

If your toddler hurt someone, you can help them begin learning about repair and kindness. Do not expect a highly emotional toddler to deliver a perfect apology on command.

You can model what repair looks like and talk about what happened once they are calm.

The aim is learning, not shame.

What if you lose your temper too?

Parents have emotions as well.

You may occasionally raise your voice or react more sharply than you intended.

You can repair the moment.

“I’m sorry I shouted. I was frustrated, but I should not have shouted.”

Apologising does not undermine your authority. It models taking responsibility for behaviour.

The original boundary can still remain.

When do toddler tantrums get better?

According to the NHS, tantrums usually begin at around 18 months and become less common as children’s communication develops. By around age 4, they are generally much less common.

That is a broad developmental pattern, not a countdown clock for an individual child.

Some children have more tantrums than others. Language development, temperament, additional needs and individual circumstances can affect how a child expresses distress.

Rather than comparing the number of tantrums your toddler has with another child, consider whether you can see gradual development in communication and emotional skills over time.

When to get professional advice

Speak to your health visitor or GP if you are seriously concerned about your child’s behaviour. NHS guidance specifically recommends seeking support if you are struggling with your child’s behaviour rather than feeling you have to cope alone.

It is also sensible to ask for advice if tantrums regularly create a risk of significant harm to your toddler or other people, if the behaviour has changed markedly, or if you have concerns about other areas of your child’s development alongside the tantrums.

If your toddler loses skills they previously had, seek professional advice.

You can also speak to childcare or nursery staff if they know your child well. Understanding whether the same behaviour happens in different settings can provide useful context.

Tantrums can test even very patient parents. They are not something you have to handle perfectly. A calm presence, clear safety boundaries and support with naming and understanding feelings can help your toddler gradually build the skills they do not yet have.